Apocolypse Meow?

parasite - ˈper-ə-ˌsīt, ˈpa-rə-\' (n.)
Etymology: Middle French, from Latin parasitus, from Greek parasitos, from para- + sitos grain, food
Date: 1539
1 : a person who exploits the hospitality of the rich and earns welcome by flattery
2 : an organism living in, with, or on another organism in parasitism
3 : something that resembles a biological parasite in dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return

I think it's important that I start with that definition because it is at the very heart of the nationwide, global, even, crisis at our hands.

In the United States alone, there are an estimated 72 million dogs and 81 million cats spread across roughly 34% of all households, all of which are unknowingly harboring spies, thieves and, with them, the destruction of mankind. I'm talking about pet hair.

"Don't be stupid," you might say. "All mammals have hair; it's science. Did you spend your entire life in a public education system?" As a matter of fact, I did. All but three years. You're missing the point, though.

Think about it. You're a mammal, right? Now tell me this: when you lay down in bed or on the couch, do you leave behind copious amounts of human hair? Chances are very good that you do not, but they, your most trusted companion and 'best friend', cannot help but leave behind these teeming masses. Teeming with what, you ask? With conspiracy. If you own a dog or cat, you know the signs:

--> They're in your bed learning how and when you sleep. Soon they'll know exactly when to strike.
--> They're on your clothes watching your every move, using you to infiltrate even the most secure of locations: hospitals, airports, data-centers. They're learning your behaviors and habits.
--> They're on your phone, listening. Pull off that fancy phone cover you got for Christmas; they're in there.
--> They're even after your money. Just yesterday, I found one in my wallet, sneaking ever closer to that five-spot I've been holding on to since last Thursday.

The worst thing is that your pets don't even know of these nefarious plans; that's the goal of the parasite, to use it's host for its own ends without offering anything in return. Your trusted friend is the vehicle of the end of life as we know it. Soon, pet hair will be everywhere. In every city, every town, in all of our shoes and on every pant leg. Be warned and be vigilant, for we have the instruments of salvation within our reach.