Thursday, July 10, 2008

Stupid food names are embarrassing

It all started with Starbucks. Well, not really, but they are really easy to blame with a variety of things that are wrong with the world today. I'm only going to touch on this, because it's been done a million times, but - what in the hell do Grande or Venti have to do with beverage size? And way to go giving up and naming the biggest one Tall. If I actually drank coffee and I went to Starbucks, I would have to get a Tall just so I wouldn't feel like a complete jack-ass asking for a Venti.

And that's my point. Say you want a cup of ice cream, and there's Maggie Moo's - one of the finest ice cream establishments (by taste) you could ask for. Now, I can excuse a name like Maggie Moo's because it kinda fits the whole ice cream thing, but what about some of these product names:

Strawberry Skateboard - Seriously? Strawberry Skateboard? You could've named any stupid sports item and a corresponding (or not so much) fruit and made ice cream by this rule. Bicycle Blackberry ... mmmm ... I can taste it already.

Peanut Butter Galaxy - Sounds delicious. Maybe one day it'll collide with the Milky Way and some crazy new candy bar will be invented. One can only hope.

The list goes on. Everywhere you go they have Xtreme Cheddar Poppers, Cheese Fries Volcanos and Chocolate Avalanches. I know they're trying to really sell me on how good this stuff is, but ... really, just don't. It's not necessary and really, if anything, it's making me less likely to order that mountain of useless calories and heart-clogging nutritionless refuse because the last thing I need is an additional chance to sound like a complete idiot in public. Got that covered, thank you.

Here's a tip, if you're going to offer me chocolate ice cream on your menu, call a spade a spade. It's just chocolate ice cream, not Chocolate Thunder Frozen Cream. Thanks.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

A first blog should be many things ...

Firstly, it should be informative. You can't very well grab that first time reader with just nonesense. No, it needs to be something with a little more substance. A breakdown of the communist philosophy, or interpretations of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby. It helps if you have some working knowledge of the arts ... then again, it's the internet and someone will believe you regardless of your credentials.

Secondly, and this is true with any written work, you need a good subject. 'Check out what my dog did last night' really just doesn't cut it. That could be any number of things - and most of the ones I can think of are downright disgusting.

Thirdly, you should set the tone for your later work. Some people like to write about things in a humorous light, while others really want to be taken seriously. Then again, even the people who want to be funny want to be taken seriously. What would you be writing a blog for if you didn't want people to take you seriously - if you really didn't care if anyone believed what you said or thought you were funny?

It'd probably be a diary. Or nothing. And I think a diary might kind of fall into that "if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it did it really fall?" category for these reasons:

1) Most people that write in diaries don't make this public knowledge. If they did, it'd be a blog.
2) Diaries are made of paper - mostly - and paper comes from trees ... see where I'm going with that one?
3) No one cares about your stupid diary or that stupid 'philosophical' question.

Incidentally, lists are another great thing to add into your first blog. That's why I have one.

This is gonna be awesome. Or not awesome. Or even sometimes awesome. Hey, it's a start ...