Continuing the trend ...

It seems like I've been writing a lot of posts centered around me watching the last thirty minutes of a movie and making blind assumptions about what's really going on in that time. This will be another one of those.

I got back from washing my car, at some lunch and, lucky me, Planet of the Apes - the one with Mark Wahlberg - was on FX. I've seen this movie before, so I can't go totally crazy here, but poor Marky Mark ... He helps human and ape live together in harmony, only to travel through time and space to a point where the evil general Thade is an emancipator, taking the place of Abe Lincoln at everyone's favorite monument dedicated to some dude sitting down. (More on that later, maybe)

He gave up an incredibly hot chick and very high status in the new culture between ape and humans. He also, if you really want to go there, gave up getting down with an intelligent, English-speaking ape. Jungle fever seems like an understatement.

All of this, he lost for nothing, and those ape cops weren't exactly giving him those *good vibrations* he seems to like so much. He probably got killed right after the movie fades into the credits for saying 'say hi to your mother for me' as they threw him in the paddy wagon.

Okay, I've used and abused my Mark Wahlberg joke privileges and abilities.

Real quick , before I forget ...

Let me first say that I really don't like CSI. I guess I'm not into cop dramas in general, which is unfortunate because they represent a large percentage of what's on television these days. I'm currently watching a montage of science on CSI: NY. What happened just ten minutes before that is what really struck me because it happens so often in movies and on television.

Two cops are investigating the crime scene. One, collecting evidence. The other, with an impossibly deep stare set upon a piece of seemingly meaningless debris (in this case, broken glass).

Cop one: Hey. What are you doing over there?

Cop two: Oh, nothing.

Cop one: Well, you've been staring at that same piece of glass for five minutes. What's up? Do you want me to put that in an evidence bag?

Cop two: No, but I have an idea.

Cop one: Oh, yeah? What's that?

This is when cop two storms off in some sort of determined fashion without even acknowledging the questions. What drama! It really builds the suspense of what's coming.

The thing is, this never happens in real life. You tell someone you have an idea; they ask what it is; you tell them your idea. Pretty standard, really. If you told me you had an idea, then i asked you what it was and you just stormed off, I'd throw a shoe at you. A dirty one that wear when I mow the lawn.

This just outlines exactly why these shows suck. They're so unrealistic they border on ridiculous.

Okay. I feel like writing these blogs makes me sound like someone who sits on their couch all evening staring at the television. It's not true! I just end up watching these odd bits and pieces of things while I'm checking email ... and this is what happens.

Movie thought No. 2 for Saturday

I'm channel flipping here, so bear with me.

The movie - Beverly Hills Cop II

At the end, Axel says something like "You guys are becoming more and more like me. One day you might even have an afro."

Umm, hate to break it to you Axel, but Judge Reinhold already has one ...

Conan the Horse Puncher

Just one thought for the day ...

About five minutes in to Conan the Destroyer, Conan (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger) punches a horse. He balls up his fist, rears back, and then punches the horse in the mouth.

Also, I just watched the first half of a marathon of manliness that is both Conan movies in a row, and I must say that the gap between Arnolds front two teeth is much less pronounced in the second installation. It's as if every step he takes away from his barbaric heritage is a step towards better dental work.

Also, also - I spelled Schwarzenegger right on the first try. Nice.

The Notebook: why would you watch this movie?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Before you ladies get all crazy ... wait. Nevermind. I don't think there are more than a handful of you reading this, anyway. Let me get back on task ...

I cannot believe anyone would voluntarily put themselves through this movie more than once. In my earlier days, I held this position simply because it's a *chick flick* in every way a movie could possibly be one. In my new, more knowledgeable and open mind, I think this purely based on the fact that I just watched the last thirty-or-so minutes of this movie on television. My more knowledgeable and open mind tells me this is far and away the most depressing movie in existence and that I would rather be subjected to a variety of antiquated tortures and ritualistic procedures than ever watch this again, or in totality.

Cute old people sharing stories about love. Lost, sometimes unrequited love at that. Rachel McAdams being all hot and stuff. Then, you find out that this old dude is actually telling his wife the story of their own love, but she has Alzheimer's and can't remember it for more than five minutes, so he comes to visit and tells the story to her every day, even though she won't remember it by the time he leaves.

Wow. Pass the popcorn, please. Instead of extra butter, maybe they could sprinkle it with some Prozac, just to take the edge off.

You know what else strikes me about this movie? James Marsden. In what movie that he's been in, that is also what any sane person would call a good one, does he not get the shaft from the woman he loves? He has to compete with the most bad ass of bad asses, Wolverine, for the affections of Jean Grey ... and kind of loses (she freakin' kills him). He has to compete with an indestructible, leaping-shit-in-a-single-bound, greatest-super-hero-of-all-time man in Superman ... no way he can work that out. Now, in The Notebook, he's dealing with a dude with some serious game. Game serious enough to score him Rachel McAdams not only when she has to do it for the script, but in real life too. Did I already mention how hot she is?

My point is that James Marsden needs a new agent. Following his cinematic love life is the equivalent of being a Boston Red Sox fan pre-2004. So close, yet so disappointing.

Oh yeah, and The Notebook is depressing.

Breaking news

It's taken years - Longer than anyone really thought, really, but we've finally done it. We have officially broken the news. Shambles sounds like a nice way of describing the state of the central mode of communicating information in our world today.

Some might say "but wait ... there's still the BBC, the Guardian UK."

Well, that simply doesn't cut it. It's not enough, and one of them is partisan press by design. You can't just get your news from one angle. And yet, despite it being specifically against our rights as people in and of this nation, the United States of America, we are pretty much forced into a very partisan, guarded and false relationship with the people whose life's mission is to inform us.

It's pretty sad - and also quite entertaining - that the most honest, respectable and quite frankly non-partisan news-giver in the media is Jon Stewart. He has an amazing wit and ability to bring us information, frequently by exposing the 'lies' of people who lean at varying degrees to the right. He does this not by forcing his obvious liberal tendencies on the person, but by simply outlining the counter point to their obviously skewed perceptions of our political system. In this way, he exposes the very important point in the middle - the point that is kept out of so much of the news reporting we are exposed to in our lives.

In short, our entire system of enlightenment on political talking points is ludicrous at best and, more pragmatically, totally f*cked. Making a case for socialism ... if you take monetary gains out of the equation where public works (like being a newsman/woman) are concerned, you get a lot more truth. Luckily for us, this is America and we do things the right way ... right?

The dangers of a religious life

Is it just me, or is the 'Church' of Scientology really, really scary? When can we put a stop to this?