Someone just walked in to the room and declared "I have a headache and I don't know why." Their logical next assumption made was "It's a brain aneurysm." It probably isn't, but I started thinking about how we (humans) are so aware of all the different stuff that could happen to our bodies. An aneurysm is defined as a "localized, blood-filled ballon-like bulge in the wall of a blood vessel." This does not sound like something a living being would be so acutely aware of, and in that way we are very special. If you were not special and you had a brain aneurysm, you would pretty much just be dead. Your friends would cry and would then bury you. Morbid, I know.
But think of it as a blessing. If you were a coyote or some other vulgar form of life, you would have an aneurysm, die and, for about 10 minutes, your friends would debate whether to eat you or go look for something not-dead, after which time... they would eat you.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Shut up about dogs already ...
In the months since the BP oil disaster ... wait, really? Months?
Yes, months since BP directly (or indirectly) caused what will probably end up as one of the more dramatic changes in an ecosystem in recent human history, we've seen a lot of things happen. For the most part, we see those things happen and shrug, going about our day as usual and wondering whether the iPhone 4's problems are truly the signs of an end to the Apple era.
We've seen birds, covered in oil. Whatever.
We've seen dead whales and dolphins. South Park said it best.
We've seen fisherman and oil industry workers lose their jobs. Put a shirt on, rednecks. It's time to join the shirted masses in office parks and skyscrapers.
Now they're dragging puppies into this, and that's just not going to work. Apparently, people whose jobs are affected by the oil spill just couldn't possibly bear to have a dog anymore. I mean, dog food (at it's cheapest) costs about $1 per day for most dogs. And how are they going to look for a job when they have to walk a dog twice a day? That's, like, 30 minutes of jobless wandering while other, less dog-encumbered, people are grabbing up all the good stuff.
Now, about that job ... yeah ... it's going to be a while on that one. Wealthy multi-national conglomerates don't tend to "hurry up" for the sake of the lower working class. Enjoy extended unemployment (maybe), your eventual "big" check from BP and free health care (hopefully).
Yes, months since BP directly (or indirectly) caused what will probably end up as one of the more dramatic changes in an ecosystem in recent human history, we've seen a lot of things happen. For the most part, we see those things happen and shrug, going about our day as usual and wondering whether the iPhone 4's problems are truly the signs of an end to the Apple era.
We've seen birds, covered in oil. Whatever.
We've seen dead whales and dolphins. South Park said it best.
We've seen fisherman and oil industry workers lose their jobs. Put a shirt on, rednecks. It's time to join the shirted masses in office parks and skyscrapers.
Now they're dragging puppies into this, and that's just not going to work. Apparently, people whose jobs are affected by the oil spill just couldn't possibly bear to have a dog anymore. I mean, dog food (at it's cheapest) costs about $1 per day for most dogs. And how are they going to look for a job when they have to walk a dog twice a day? That's, like, 30 minutes of jobless wandering while other, less dog-encumbered, people are grabbing up all the good stuff.
"I could've been a stocker at the Wal-Mart, or a cook at Boston Market. Now look at me. I'm walking my dog. And later, he's going to jump on the couch because I'm too depressed to say no. And he's going to lick Cheetohs out of my chest hair. What kind of life is that for a man."I agree. You shouldn't be eating Cheetohs in the first place. As for the chest hair, perhaps an upgrade in the shirt department is in order. I know, I know. Wife beaters are incredibly comfortable, but how about you slip on that Dale Jr. shirt that you found at the thrift store. You know, the one that had less armpit stains than the Tony Stewart one next to it, and even though Tony Stewart is definitely a better driver than Dale Jr., you, for once, made a decision where personal hygiene trumped your love for NASCAR? There you go.
-- Unknown
Now, about that job ... yeah ... it's going to be a while on that one. Wealthy multi-national conglomerates don't tend to "hurry up" for the sake of the lower working class. Enjoy extended unemployment (maybe), your eventual "big" check from BP and free health care (hopefully).
Friday, March 19, 2010
Apocolypse Meow?
parasite - ˈper-ə-ˌsīt, ˈpa-rə-\' (n.)
Etymology: Middle French, from Latin parasitus, from Greek parasitos, from para- + sitos grain, food
Date: 1539
1 : a person who exploits the hospitality of the rich and earns welcome by flattery
2 : an organism living in, with, or on another organism in parasitism
3 : something that resembles a biological parasite in dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return
I think it's important that I start with that definition because it is at the very heart of the nationwide, global, even, crisis at our hands.
In the United States alone, there are an estimated 72 million dogs and 81 million cats spread across roughly 34% of all households, all of which are unknowingly harboring spies, thieves and, with them, the destruction of mankind. I'm talking about pet hair.
"Don't be stupid," you might say. "All mammals have hair; it's science. Did you spend your entire life in a public education system?" As a matter of fact, I did. All but three years. You're missing the point, though.
Think about it. You're a mammal, right? Now tell me this: when you lay down in bed or on the couch, do you leave behind copious amounts of human hair? Chances are very good that you do not, but they, your most trusted companion and 'best friend', cannot help but leave behind these teeming masses. Teeming with what, you ask? With conspiracy. If you own a dog or cat, you know the signs:
--> They're in your bed learning how and when you sleep. Soon they'll know exactly when to strike.
--> They're on your clothes watching your every move, using you to infiltrate even the most secure of locations: hospitals, airports, data-centers. They're learning your behaviors and habits.
--> They're on your phone, listening. Pull off that fancy phone cover you got for Christmas; they're in there.
--> They're even after your money. Just yesterday, I found one in my wallet, sneaking ever closer to that five-spot I've been holding on to since last Thursday.
The worst thing is that your pets don't even know of these nefarious plans; that's the goal of the parasite, to use it's host for its own ends without offering anything in return. Your trusted friend is the vehicle of the end of life as we know it. Soon, pet hair will be everywhere. In every city, every town, in all of our shoes and on every pant leg. Be warned and be vigilant, for we have the instruments of salvation within our reach.
Etymology: Middle French, from Latin parasitus, from Greek parasitos, from para- + sitos grain, food
Date: 1539
1 : a person who exploits the hospitality of the rich and earns welcome by flattery
2 : an organism living in, with, or on another organism in parasitism
3 : something that resembles a biological parasite in dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return
I think it's important that I start with that definition because it is at the very heart of the nationwide, global, even, crisis at our hands.
In the United States alone, there are an estimated 72 million dogs and 81 million cats spread across roughly 34% of all households, all of which are unknowingly harboring spies, thieves and, with them, the destruction of mankind. I'm talking about pet hair.
"Don't be stupid," you might say. "All mammals have hair; it's science. Did you spend your entire life in a public education system?" As a matter of fact, I did. All but three years. You're missing the point, though.
Think about it. You're a mammal, right? Now tell me this: when you lay down in bed or on the couch, do you leave behind copious amounts of human hair? Chances are very good that you do not, but they, your most trusted companion and 'best friend', cannot help but leave behind these teeming masses. Teeming with what, you ask? With conspiracy. If you own a dog or cat, you know the signs:
--> They're in your bed learning how and when you sleep. Soon they'll know exactly when to strike.
--> They're on your clothes watching your every move, using you to infiltrate even the most secure of locations: hospitals, airports, data-centers. They're learning your behaviors and habits.
--> They're on your phone, listening. Pull off that fancy phone cover you got for Christmas; they're in there.
--> They're even after your money. Just yesterday, I found one in my wallet, sneaking ever closer to that five-spot I've been holding on to since last Thursday.
The worst thing is that your pets don't even know of these nefarious plans; that's the goal of the parasite, to use it's host for its own ends without offering anything in return. Your trusted friend is the vehicle of the end of life as we know it. Soon, pet hair will be everywhere. In every city, every town, in all of our shoes and on every pant leg. Be warned and be vigilant, for we have the instruments of salvation within our reach.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Breaking news
It's taken years - Longer than anyone really thought, really, but we've finally done it. We have officially broken the news. Shambles sounds like a nice way of describing the state of the central mode of communicating information in our world today.
Some might say "but wait ... there's still the BBC, the Guardian UK."
Well, that simply doesn't cut it. It's not enough, and one of them is partisan press by design. You can't just get your news from one angle. And yet, despite it being specifically against our rights as people in and of this nation, the United States of America, we are pretty much forced into a very partisan, guarded and false relationship with the people whose life's mission is to inform us.
It's pretty sad - and also quite entertaining - that the most honest, respectable and quite frankly non-partisan news-giver in the media is Jon Stewart. He has an amazing wit and ability to bring us information, frequently by exposing the 'lies' of people who lean at varying degrees to the right. He does this not by forcing his obvious liberal tendencies on the person, but by simply outlining the counter point to their obviously skewed perceptions of our political system. In this way, he exposes the very important point in the middle - the point that is kept out of so much of the news reporting we are exposed to in our lives.
In short, our entire system of enlightenment on political talking points is ludicrous at best and, more pragmatically, totally f*cked. Making a case for socialism ... if you take monetary gains out of the equation where public works (like being a newsman/woman) are concerned, you get a lot more truth. Luckily for us, this is America and we do things the right way ... right?
Some might say "but wait ... there's still the BBC, the Guardian UK."
Well, that simply doesn't cut it. It's not enough, and one of them is partisan press by design. You can't just get your news from one angle. And yet, despite it being specifically against our rights as people in and of this nation, the United States of America, we are pretty much forced into a very partisan, guarded and false relationship with the people whose life's mission is to inform us.
It's pretty sad - and also quite entertaining - that the most honest, respectable and quite frankly non-partisan news-giver in the media is Jon Stewart. He has an amazing wit and ability to bring us information, frequently by exposing the 'lies' of people who lean at varying degrees to the right. He does this not by forcing his obvious liberal tendencies on the person, but by simply outlining the counter point to their obviously skewed perceptions of our political system. In this way, he exposes the very important point in the middle - the point that is kept out of so much of the news reporting we are exposed to in our lives.
In short, our entire system of enlightenment on political talking points is ludicrous at best and, more pragmatically, totally f*cked. Making a case for socialism ... if you take monetary gains out of the equation where public works (like being a newsman/woman) are concerned, you get a lot more truth. Luckily for us, this is America and we do things the right way ... right?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Mythical creatures, redux
It's not necessarily laziness that's prompting me to bring back old blog posts. You see, many of these are stuck on MySpace. You know: the place for friends? Well, it was the place for friends until Facebook took over. Anyway, I think I've gotten better at writing, but I don't see any reason to edit my stupid ranting. Okay. Here goes nothing.
[Jan. 7, 2008]
I was driving back from playing a show in Knoxville on I-40 this weekend and I noticed a strange sign for a state park. I can't remember the name, but it's not really important. The sign had all of your standard icons for a state park. Fishing - check. Camping -check. Picnic Tables - check. But it did have one thing that was just slightly strange to me. One of the icons displayed was a question mark, and, though I'm sure they didn't mean anything by it, it got me thinking about what a question mark could really mean.
There's no real reason to put it there just to indicate that not all parts of the park have been fully explored. That is kind of understandable given the amount of land that is in a decent sized park. There's not really any rational explanation for the icon.
An irrational explanation for the question mark would be that there is a dragon there, and here's why:
1) Given that they are mythical in origin, dragons really shouldn't exist. It'd be a befuddling find to say the least. Certainly warranting a WTF question mark.
2) If you did find a dragon there and weren't befuddled completely, it would be in the best interest of the park not to put a dragon icon on the sign. No one in their right mind would go to a park with a live dragon running around. The park would be closed, and most likely would burn down anyways (you know, due to fire breathing). In this case the question mark is an omission of information AND a warning. You're not saying there's a dragon, but you're certainly not saying there couldn't be one hanging around toasting gigantic marshmallows.
These two arguments could be used for Sasquatch as well. Reason number three for him is that you wouldn't want a bunch of stupid people trying to trap him, so it'd be best not to clue the world into his existence with a sign on the interstate. Be courteous, he could be on vacation at the time share and all of the sudden he's gotta worry about being in the Enquirer again ... or worse yet trapped and put on display. Try telling your wife you're late because some idiot tranq'ed you and put you in a zoo and see if she believes it. Didn't think so.
[Jan. 7, 2008]
I was driving back from playing a show in Knoxville on I-40 this weekend and I noticed a strange sign for a state park. I can't remember the name, but it's not really important. The sign had all of your standard icons for a state park. Fishing - check. Camping -check. Picnic Tables - check. But it did have one thing that was just slightly strange to me. One of the icons displayed was a question mark, and, though I'm sure they didn't mean anything by it, it got me thinking about what a question mark could really mean.
There's no real reason to put it there just to indicate that not all parts of the park have been fully explored. That is kind of understandable given the amount of land that is in a decent sized park. There's not really any rational explanation for the icon.
An irrational explanation for the question mark would be that there is a dragon there, and here's why:
1) Given that they are mythical in origin, dragons really shouldn't exist. It'd be a befuddling find to say the least. Certainly warranting a WTF question mark.
2) If you did find a dragon there and weren't befuddled completely, it would be in the best interest of the park not to put a dragon icon on the sign. No one in their right mind would go to a park with a live dragon running around. The park would be closed, and most likely would burn down anyways (you know, due to fire breathing). In this case the question mark is an omission of information AND a warning. You're not saying there's a dragon, but you're certainly not saying there couldn't be one hanging around toasting gigantic marshmallows.
These two arguments could be used for Sasquatch as well. Reason number three for him is that you wouldn't want a bunch of stupid people trying to trap him, so it'd be best not to clue the world into his existence with a sign on the interstate. Be courteous, he could be on vacation at the time share and all of the sudden he's gotta worry about being in the Enquirer again ... or worse yet trapped and put on display. Try telling your wife you're late because some idiot tranq'ed you and put you in a zoo and see if she believes it. Didn't think so.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Something old (99 problems) and something new
First the new:
I'm watching National Treasure on television while waiting for a few friends to arrive in Nashville. Early on in the movie, it's established that they're somewhere north of the Arctic circle. You know, a mostly-barren wasteland of ice and ice. Eventually, things get a little crazy and explosions happen, causing a fire on a big wooden boat they've found. Our genius antagonist then says "let's get out of here before someone sees the smoke." Well, good news Rutger Hauer, or whoever you are ... no one's going to see the smoke because you're in the Arctic circle where no one in their right mind lives. Oh, wait. Nicholas Cage says there's an Inuit village nearby. Well ... shit.
So, that old thing I was telling you about ... yeah. I wrote this on July 10th of 2004 and thought I might as well recycle it somewhere it might be viewed. Its previous hiding place was on Myspace, no longer a place for friends by most accounts. Okay - and, go.
I'm watching National Treasure on television while waiting for a few friends to arrive in Nashville. Early on in the movie, it's established that they're somewhere north of the Arctic circle. You know, a mostly-barren wasteland of ice and ice. Eventually, things get a little crazy and explosions happen, causing a fire on a big wooden boat they've found. Our genius antagonist then says "let's get out of here before someone sees the smoke." Well, good news Rutger Hauer, or whoever you are ... no one's going to see the smoke because you're in the Arctic circle where no one in their right mind lives. Oh, wait. Nicholas Cage says there's an Inuit village nearby. Well ... shit.
So, that old thing I was telling you about ... yeah. I wrote this on July 10th of 2004 and thought I might as well recycle it somewhere it might be viewed. Its previous hiding place was on Myspace, no longer a place for friends by most accounts. Okay - and, go.
let's discuss shall we?
first the evidence:
If you're havin girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
[Verse One]
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe
I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don't like my lyrics you can press fast forward
Got beef with radio if i don't play they show
They don't play my hits well i don't give a shit SO
Rap mags try and use my black ass
So advertisers can give em more cash for ads...fuckers
I don't know what you take me as or understand the intellegence that Jay-Z has
I'm from rags to ritches nigga I ain't dumb
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one Hit me
[Chorus]
99 Problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one Hit me
So, if you have 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - let's do some math:
First of all ... a bitch is not equal to 1 ... lets get this out of the way. Also problems will be represented by (x)
scenario one:
You could get a bitch, giving you 100 problems. Except if, for instance, problem 46 was indeed not having a bitch, which would make you have 99 problems again. If a bitch is not equal to (1), then [99 + (a bitch) = x ] From this we conclude that jay z's problems - or (x) - cannot equal 100. Through modern linguistics, it is also possible to rule out that 'a bitch' = 0, as 'a' clearly states there is one of something. Also there can't be a negative quantity of bitches, as that would be stephen hawking style science we don't understand.
So here's where we are ... (a bitch) > 1. From this, we can now establish some key facts:
1) Jay Z has no fewer than 101 problems ( because 99 + (x) > 100 )
2) there are no fewer than 2 bitches in the world ( x > 1 as shown in the examples above)
3) Jay Z clearly paid no attention in science or math ... specifically algebra
Okay, so I had to do some editing to make this fit my more modern writing style. I guess it's to be expected on a blog that is almost five years old. Wow. That puts nothing in perspective at all.
first the evidence:
If you're havin girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
[Verse One]
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe
I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don't like my lyrics you can press fast forward
Got beef with radio if i don't play they show
They don't play my hits well i don't give a shit SO
Rap mags try and use my black ass
So advertisers can give em more cash for ads...fuckers
I don't know what you take me as or understand the intellegence that Jay-Z has
I'm from rags to ritches nigga I ain't dumb
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one Hit me
[Chorus]
99 Problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one Hit me
So, if you have 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - let's do some math:
First of all ... a bitch is not equal to 1 ... lets get this out of the way. Also problems will be represented by (x)
scenario one:
You could get a bitch, giving you 100 problems. Except if, for instance, problem 46 was indeed not having a bitch, which would make you have 99 problems again. If a bitch is not equal to (1), then [99 + (a bitch) = x ] From this we conclude that jay z's problems - or (x) - cannot equal 100. Through modern linguistics, it is also possible to rule out that 'a bitch' = 0, as 'a' clearly states there is one of something. Also there can't be a negative quantity of bitches, as that would be stephen hawking style science we don't understand.
So here's where we are ... (a bitch) > 1. From this, we can now establish some key facts:
1) Jay Z has no fewer than 101 problems ( because 99 + (x) > 100 )
2) there are no fewer than 2 bitches in the world ( x > 1 as shown in the examples above)
3) Jay Z clearly paid no attention in science or math ... specifically algebra
Okay, so I had to do some editing to make this fit my more modern writing style. I guess it's to be expected on a blog that is almost five years old. Wow. That puts nothing in perspective at all.
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