The OJ Simpson theory of time travel

Over the weekend, specifically Saturday night, I got to talking with a friend. This talking led to the revelation that OJ Simpson - the OJ Simpson - might have been a spokesperson for Isotoner gloves. I haven't found any evidence of this, but if true this is not only the most ironic celebrity/athlete endorsement; it is also a clue as to how OJ Simpson got where he is today. Or at least to where he was before he was back on trial for threatening that dude in Vegas.

Here is my theory ...

It's some time between 10:15 and 10:45 pm on a warm night in June. OJ just stabbed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown, and her lover, Ron Goldman, to death. He's panicking. Hundreds-of-thousands of synapses firing in his brain. Some telling him to run. Some telling him to cover his tracks. Then, a flash of light and a dark figure aproaching. OJ looks up, thinks for a second and says, "A.C.? Is that you?"

"No, dummy!" says a familiar voice. "It's me. You."

(pretend he sounds like Mr. T. It's more fun that way)

This 'future' OJ goes on to explain that he is from the future and that they have to act fast because the dog is barking and someone will be there at 11:40 pm and find the bodies. First thing's first, says future OJ. "Take this glove and throw it on the ground," he orders. But why? Why leave evidence at the scene of the crime. It's decided that present OJ doesn't need to know anything about that.

"I'll take care of the rest," says future OJ. "Get home and get in that limo before anyone notices you left."

Off present OJ goes, trying to move on with his life. So confused about what just happened that he's not even sure that he just stabbed someone. Two someones. No way that all just happened, right?

Present OJ is now at a Hertz convention in Chicago. He's shaking hands, smiling and being every bit the pitchman that got him where he was in life. Public bathrooms are always a problem at these things. It's one thing for people to want to shake his hand out there, but in here he just wants to be left alone. A men's restroom is the one place in the world any man should be guaranteed to be left alone.

"We've got a problem," said the familiar voice from just a few days past. He was almost laughing. Like he'd just said something completely ridiculous.

As present OJ turns around, he is met with the measured gaze of a man staring directly into his own eyes. This man was, in fact, staring directly in to his own eyes, and in a way that was never possible until that exact moment. It was future OJ.

Future OJ explained that there was more work to be done and it was only as this alter-OJ explained the rest of his/their/your plan that present OJ remembered: He had stabbed his wife and that Ron guy. Shit.

The plan was simple. OJ the Present needed to act as eratic as possible when he returned to LA. He was wanted for murder, so any insanity could go a long way. Future OJ, knowing full well what would happen said, in an off-hand fashion not typical of a time traveller, that he should track down A.C. and take the police on a chase. Make them believe he might commit suicide or something. The important thing, the linch pin to the whole plan, was that the police had The Glove.

"What's so special about that glove anyway," pondered present OJ.

"It's your size, but it doesn't fit," remarked his future self.

This didn't make any sense to the OJ of our time. Why plant a glove at all?

"You're going to drive people so crazy before the trial that they're already not thinking straight," explained Robo-J (he wasn't a robot really ... or was he?). "Then, by the time it gets to trial and all they have is that fake-ass glove, that shit won't fit."

"Hey, that rhymed!" mused The OJ of Murder Present

"Later, man. Trust me." The words of a knowledgeable future OJ.

So OJ went about his business. Present OJ, that is, went about the business of being crazy. Not crazy like a murderer, though. Crazy like ... well, like a man that would agree to do more than one Naked Gun movie.

We all know how the rest plays out, and this series of events is exactly why I think that, at some point, Orenthal James Simpson created a time travel advice.

This could have been when he was in prison after he was found guilty (this would now be an alternate and destroyed timeline). He would have plenty of time to read, to learn science, string theory or whatever he would need to know about wormholes. Then, he could fashion some sort of time travel device out of lunch trays and matress springs.

It could be that, in the panic filled moments after the murders, his mind was racing so fast that he instantaneously discovered time travel, actually traveled in time and then forgot about it enough that when his future self showed up he was actually surprised.

That's the thing about time travel: you'd probably never really know if you ever did it because time traveling would immediately erase any version of you that couldn't fit in your reality. Of course, that's just theoritical. It also negates the premis upon which I based this entire post.

Going back to the Isotoner thing ... It is also possible that future OJ went a little further back and told his former self that he should try and get an endorsement from them. Not just for the irony of it, either. They needed the money for Johnny Cochran.