Transformers: Part Deux

I don't usually read Roger Ebert's reviews ... or any movie reviews, for that matter .. but I heard his review of the upcoming Michael Bay 'film' Transformers: REvenge of the Fallen was particularly scathing, so I had to check it out. Wow, did he ever deliver. It's rare for me to let a movie review stop me from seeing a movie, but I don't think there's any way whatsoever I could spend any money on this inevitable crap-fest.

Something old (99 problems) and something new

First the new:

I'm watching National Treasure on television while waiting for a few friends to arrive in Nashville. Early on in the movie, it's established that they're somewhere north of the Arctic circle. You know, a mostly-barren wasteland of ice and ice. Eventually, things get a little crazy and explosions happen, causing a fire on a big wooden boat they've found. Our genius antagonist then says "let's get out of here before someone sees the smoke." Well, good news Rutger Hauer, or whoever you are ... no one's going to see the smoke because you're in the Arctic circle where no one in their right mind lives. Oh, wait. Nicholas Cage says there's an Inuit village nearby. Well ... shit.

So, that old thing I was telling you about ... yeah. I wrote this on July 10th of 2004 and thought I might as well recycle it somewhere it might be viewed. Its previous hiding place was on Myspace, no longer a place for friends by most accounts. Okay - and, go.

99 problems and a bitch ain't one ... let's discuss shall we?

first the evidence:
If you're havin girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
[Verse One]
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe
I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don't like my lyrics you can press fast forward
Got beef with radio if i don't play they show
They don't play my hits well i don't give a shit SO
Rap mags try and use my black ass
So advertisers can give em more cash for ads...fuckers
I don't know what you take me as or understand the intellegence that Jay-Z has
I'm from rags to ritches nigga I ain't dumb
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one Hit me
[Chorus]
99 Problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one Hit me

So, if you have 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - let's do some math:
First of all ... a bitch is not equal to 1 ... lets get this out of the way. Also problems will be represented by (x)

scenario one:
You could get a bitch, giving you 100 problems. Except if, for instance, problem 46 was indeed not having a bitch, which would make you have 99 problems again. If a bitch is not equal to (1), then [99 + (a bitch) = x ] From this we conclude that jay z's problems - or (x) - cannot equal 100. Through modern linguistics, it is also possible to rule out that 'a bitch' = 0, as 'a' clearly states there is one of something. Also there can't be a negative quantity of bitches, as that would be stephen hawking style science we don't understand.

So here's where we are ... (a bitch) > 1. From this, we can now establish some key facts:

1) Jay Z has no fewer than 101 problems ( because 99 + (x) > 100 )
2) there are no fewer than 2 bitches in the world ( x > 1 as shown in the examples above)
3) Jay Z clearly paid no attention in science or math ... specifically algebra

Okay, so I had to do some editing to make this fit my more modern writing style. I guess it's to be expected on a blog that is almost five years old. Wow. That puts nothing in perspective at all.

A barrel of ... terror?

I was perusing a certain website which compiles mostly-time-wasting-but-potentially-funny websites, photos and videos when I found this link to one of the most awesome examples of vandalism/street art I've ever seen. While this 'barrel monster' may not be the physical expression of your worst childhood nightmare waiting in your closet or under your bed as you sleep, it's still pretty impressive.

Unfortunately for the creator, Joseph Carnevale, city police in Raleigh, NC didn't see things as I do, so they put him in jail for vandalism. What's up with that? I understand that this could have cost the city some money because those barrels probably aren't free. However, under normal circumstances those barrels are ultimately unimportant, but this guy turned them in to something really special. This monster probably created moments in many peoples' lives that changed that whole day.

This is the stuff of life. It goes beyond the vandalism and becomes expression. Should he have to repay the city for the barrel's? Sure. But have him go talk to art students, young children even, and have him share his creativity and give back to the community in a valuable way. Actually, instead of dismantling the monster, they should have auctioned it off for a charity. Am I the only one who thinks like this? Or is it just people who get sucked in to bureaucracy and government that miss such common-sense solutions? The company who actually owned the barrels doesn't even want to press charges, so why would the city go through with a hearing/court date ... seems like a giant waste of time and resources, if you ask me.

My cellphone service, in a nutshell ...

"Help, help! I'm in a nutshell! Oh wait, I'm AT&T cellphone coverage and I don't work anywhere. No one can hear me."

Thanks, Austin Powers. You made this blog a lot easier to write.

You missed out, Nashville

While most of you were at Bonaroo, standing in mud and being pelted by rain as if some innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of a battle between earth and sky, some of us were lucky enough to see St. Vincent perform in the warm (too warm - damn you Mercy Lounge turn on the AC), dry confines of one of Nashville's finer music venues, Mercy Lounge.

Before this starts reading like some review of the show/St. Vincent's (Annie Clark, formerly of The Polyphonic Spree and Sufjan Steven's backing band) music, let me just say this: It is not. This band is great. Unequivocally, undoubtedly, un-some-other-word-that-I-won't-take-time-to conjure-up-in-this-sentence.

This band grooves like Spoon and then throws a film scores-worth of string arrangements and woodwinds at you and expects you not to blink. The funny thing is that the songs are so well written and are so cohesive that you actually don't. Annie Clark has a smooth voice that makes you think she learned to sing walking the yellow brick road with Judy Garland (okay, so the only reason I make this reference is because it gives me an excuse to show you this interview - I'm not really that smart, but the interview is a good one) and her skills on guitar are certainly not lacking. Just as you get used to the aforementioned beautiful string lines and solid indie pop structures, the band could just as easily melt down into noise and bedlam, frequently ending songs with turgid guitar feedback obscuring the once-beautiful melody.

So many bands try to take pop sensibility and turn it on its head. Usually, this ends up in some pretentious, hard-to-grasp concept album that sounds like an equation for a unique sound more than the actual product. This is where St. Vincent excells, and the fact that they pull it off in the live show is something to behold. But you probably didn't.

Don't consider this a review. Consider it me telling you about how you missed out, think about what I've said and, next time, be there when St. Vincent comes around.

For shame ...

I can't seem to find the time to blog lately. Luckily, I'm not exactly leaving the world hanging not doing so. It's not even that I'm so busy that I can't get on here - this is purely laziness on my part.

I've been listening to a ton of really good new music, so maybe I'll just give you a rundown of that, for now:

Sam Roberts, Love at the End of the World - Check out the song "Them Kids" for some good rock 'n roll, but "Lions of the Kalahari" is equally compelling.

Dredg, The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion - Dredge doesn't really ever disappoint. There's not just one song to listen to; just start on one and get your money's worth all the way to track 18 (still only an hour of music).

Ash, Meltdown - The perfect blend of pop and hardrock. Probably the most fun album on this list.

Neko Case, Middle Cyclone - It's Neko Case. She's good. I'd recommend "The Pharoahs".

That's all I'm going to put down for now, but consider it your homework to check out those bands. You can always do it for free at lala.com.

Google, at it again ...

Check out Mashable's guide to this Wave thing. Looks pretty cool ...