Presidential "Facts"

I once had a dream of creating a blog all about presidential facts. Stuff like James Monroe being the first POTUS to take mushrooms on a boat, only to be one-upped years later by Rutherford B. Hayes doing them on a boat, on the Mississippi River, with Mark Twain and a freed slave musician named Jonny "Two Tone" (he could only sing two notes: the A above middle C and the G below) singing "Camptown Races".

This idea has been stolen; ripped from my tenuous, lazy hands, it has been co-opted by seemingly every journalist gainfully employed to cover this years election. It's even been taken by the politicians themselves, the idea that you can make up ludicrous things about other people, write them on a website or say them aloud, and get people to believe them.

Well, I'm joining the fray. For your consideration, here are three 'totally true', 'unbiased' facts - FACTS I SAY - about each candidate.

First, Mitt Romney:

1) Mitt Romney catches a lot of shit for putting his dog on the roof of his car that one time. The truth is that the dog deserved it. He's Irish.
2) Mitt Romney can't see Russia from his porch, but he can see 5 or 6 illegal immigrants that he's going to have to hide in his fallout bunker for the next 4-8 years if elected.
3) Mitt Romney has a seldom talked about but very important initiative for the military called 'Knocking on Heaven's Door'. The idea? To militarize the Mormon religion, sending young Mormons all over the world, annoying people into submission with door knocking, pamphlets and other paraphernalia evangelizing the man they call John Smith (not the guy coaching Arkansas this year).

And now our beloved POTUS:

1) He's going to take all of your money if you're rich. In fact, he's going to take his own money too, since he's rich. Perfect plan to subvert the American Dream, if you ask me. PLUS, it panders to his Christian base with its "do unto others ..." ethos. You know that's not coming from his Muslim side...
2) He's not missing a birth certificate because he wasn't born here, Donald Trump. He's missing one because he was never born. Yet ...
3) He's missing every third toe from the left. No one knows why. Also, the toes he does have are completely hairless.

There. That was simple enough.