365 days later

Try this.

Type *happy birthday* and put a period in place of the exclamation point.

Happy birthday.

To which anyone's reaction is going to be: "Thanks, ass. Glad to see you're so pleased I made it to 30. No cake for you."

It's really missing something without the exclamation point and, even though I really, really don't like to use them, exclamation points have become vital to expressing yourself in text form.

I am rarely excited enough about anything I text or post on the Internet to put an exclamation point. Even in person, if you were to write down every time I've said something like "happy birthday", I don't think you'd find many exclamation points there. You can be enthusiastic without being bombastic, which, I think, is what the exclamation point is for. No, says the general Internet populous? Bombast is the double exclamation point's role? Touche.

"Happy birthday." reeks of formality, a statement uttered only because a little red box popped up on Facebook, or that date happened to be brought to your attention. "Happy birthday." means that "I don't think you're very important as a friend and this is just a courtesy birthday acknowledgement. "Happy birthday!" comes with it an entirely different set of undertones. Things like "I'm glad I'm your friend", or "Let's get wasted" or "Thanks for giving me that extra tuna fish sandwich last Thursday".

All from an exclamation point.

... or are you just happy to see me.

I'm going to cut to get right to it. These shoes have sperm on them ...

And this isn't an accident. According to SkyMall (which is obviously the only place you could buy something so tacky and wasteful) the logo is there "because it's cool." They've since removed that wording from their diagram. It's clearly, unapologetically some dudes "little dude" on the side of your shoe, and the worst part is that you just can't wipe it off.

Who buys this stuf, anyway? SkyMall is full to the brim with the craziest, junkiest, worst stuff you never knew you needed (and don't really need). It's like they just bank on the captivity of an airplane and wait for people to make mistakes with their money.

Zook before you leap ...

Apparently, this weekend's college football game between Illinois and Northwestern will be played at Wrigley Field, and with this special location comes a special danger - the outfield wall being what looks like inches from the back of the east endzone.

I know this because ESPN said so here. That's also where I saw the following quote from Illinois head coach Ron Zook:

"I just told them they're getting ready for the Arena League," Zook said. "If they don't make it to the NFL, you go to the Arena League."

I think that the fact that Ron Zook is their coach alone means they're playing Arena football when they leave. It's not the fault of Wrigley Field's right-field wall.

Sometimes you have to hear to believe ...

I can't believe this exists. Seriously. It's on a short list of the best/worst/best again things I've ever experienced. Priceless when he starts his Charles Barkley, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Stan Van Gundy impressions.

Don't let this go to your head...

Here's what James Harrison said about this tough hit he laid on Joshua Cribbs this past weekend:

"I thought Cribbs was asleep," Harrison said. "A hit like that geeks you up, especially when you find out the guy is not really hurt, he's just sleeping. He's knocked out but he's going to be OK."

My first instinct is to say something like 'What do you think you are, a doctor?" But the stupidity of his words just won't allow that. Asleep? You're talking about the guy who you just ran down and smashed into, head first, right? He's not narcoleptic. Maybe the hit was so hard that Harrison himself forgot he was even there.

I don't pretend to know much about what the NFL should do when it comes to rules, but I know this: people like Harrison aren't smart enough to figure out what's best. If he can't recognize what a concussion is and the serious repercussions of having this type of injury, he's a danger to everyone he encounters on the field of play. One day, I think he'll regret being so ignorant.

How many bands can kick your ass under a bridge?

Well, there was that one run-in I had with one half of Scorpions, but that was just a misunderstanding. Check out the video below, courtesy of http://www.blogotheque.net. This band really is that good.

Quarry Hymns - Land of Talk

This band really is just that good

The magical bling bling

So, I guess It's not enough that Guillermo del Toro left production of The Hobbit, leaving the film without a director (unless Jackson does it himself) and Peter Jackson as the de facto winner of the production's Michael Moore look-alike contest. Now, unions in New Zealand and Australia are getting in the way.

I don't really know who's right here, and I couldn't care less, honestly. I assume that there's a lot of money to be made here and that no one's getting completely ripped off. The fact of the matter is that no movies would be filmed in New Zealand if not for Peter Jackson, so maybe now's not the right time to get into this.

For now, everyone's favorite New Zealanders Bret and Jemaine's synopsis of the Lord of the Rings via song and rap will have to do.